The Cubs are 8-6 Since I Started This Blog

I'm just saying, if we make the playoffs this year I better get my own 30-for-30.

Paul Maholm is Fucking With Me (Recap 5/9)

What the actual fuck is up with this guy?

Another day, another impeccable photoshop.

A few weeks ago I created a post suggesting that a left-pawed dog would be a better option for the Cubs as a fifth starter than Paul Maholm. Yeah I know, that's pretty funny, thank you. As of April 20th (when I wrote the post), Maholm was sitting at 0-2 after putting up a nearly identical line in two straight games en route to an ERA of 13.50. At the time I figured Maholm had some serious potential to be the figurehead/lightning rod/dude who shat himself in the public square/laughing stock of my new blog. Smash cut to:

20 days later, the fucking guy has gone 4-0 with a 1.06 ERA in his last four starts! Am I the one who caused this? Yes. Yes, I am. 

Anyway, Maholm pitched another gem today and between him, Dempster, Samaradkhjxaifdnak, and Garza, our rotation kinda resembles one of those nerdy girls who you wouldn't expect to be hot, and isn't, but probably would be if it weren't for that one grossly over-sized toe (Chris Volstad is the toe). 

TheHair had two more hits today and what ended up being the game-winning RBI, so he's probably on track to win an award, like "Chicago Cubs Silver Slugger MVP" or "NL Central Guy of 1st Base" or "Best Smile." Or something else. He's now hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games. Meanwhile Anthony Rizzo recently hit his 250th home run of the season in Iowa, so whenever his arbitration situation finally allows us to call him up it's going to be good times left and right watching these two hit in the same lineup. 

But until then let's just kick back and watch the NL Central eat itself alive. Seriously, everybody but the Cardinals in this division is just god-awful. Bud Selig should require whichever team loses the NL Central to take a five year (minimum) organization-wide sabbatical to seriously reconsider their collective career choices. 

Ryan Dempster is Probably Pretty Grumpy

Goooooooooooooooooodddddddd damn it.

I haven't really had a ton to write about lately because the Cubs had been playing pretty decent baseball* and because I've been pretty lazy**. But after the Cubs decided to shit on yet another fabulous start by Ryan Dempster I figured this was as good a time as any to start writing again. Let's get to it then.

Technically you can't fully blame the Cubs offense for messing this one up because they did manage to put a run across tonight. In fact you could go ahead and blame Dempster entirely because it was pretty stupid of him to give up the one earned run that he did (which ballooned his ERA all the way to 1.02) considering by this point he should be well aware that if he does anything less than throw a perfect game and hit a home run he's guaranteed a no-decision. Come on, learn from the past dude.

Red has now started five games this year and in them he has received all of eight runs from his offense en route to an 0-1 record. He's striking out a batter per inning, his WHIP is stupid low (0.85), and hitters are batting .164 against him. I just...these are top tier numbers. Meanwhile in starts that Ryan Dempster has not been involved in the Cubs are averaging nearly 4 runs a game. What's going on?

I know, it's bad luck and that's it. It's early in the season, the sample size isn't big enough, yada yada yada. Still, if I'm Dempster I'm shaking my head. Especially when in the eighth inning Kerry Wood gives up two runs to break a 1-1 tie (a borderline insurmountable deficit for this team), and then throws his glove into the stands as if he's the one that's frustrated. In an ideal world a cameraman would cut to Dempster right at that moment to reveal him giving Wood a couple of these:

Cool inning bro!

Anyway, Cubs lose, which means I'm back for a while.

*With great respect to Carlos Marmol's pitching, Tony Campana's bunting, Kerry Wood's shoulder or whatever, and Chris Volstad's general face.

**This is the actual reason.