Paul Maholm is Fucking With Me (Recap 5/9)

What the actual fuck is up with this guy?

Another day, another impeccable photoshop.

A few weeks ago I created a post suggesting that a left-pawed dog would be a better option for the Cubs as a fifth starter than Paul Maholm. Yeah I know, that's pretty funny, thank you. As of April 20th (when I wrote the post), Maholm was sitting at 0-2 after putting up a nearly identical line in two straight games en route to an ERA of 13.50. At the time I figured Maholm had some serious potential to be the figurehead/lightning rod/dude who shat himself in the public square/laughing stock of my new blog. Smash cut to:

20 days later, the fucking guy has gone 4-0 with a 1.06 ERA in his last four starts! Am I the one who caused this? Yes. Yes, I am. 

Anyway, Maholm pitched another gem today and between him, Dempster, Samaradkhjxaifdnak, and Garza, our rotation kinda resembles one of those nerdy girls who you wouldn't expect to be hot, and isn't, but probably would be if it weren't for that one grossly over-sized toe (Chris Volstad is the toe). 

TheHair had two more hits today and what ended up being the game-winning RBI, so he's probably on track to win an award, like "Chicago Cubs Silver Slugger MVP" or "NL Central Guy of 1st Base" or "Best Smile." Or something else. He's now hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games. Meanwhile Anthony Rizzo recently hit his 250th home run of the season in Iowa, so whenever his arbitration situation finally allows us to call him up it's going to be good times left and right watching these two hit in the same lineup. 

But until then let's just kick back and watch the NL Central eat itself alive. Seriously, everybody but the Cardinals in this division is just god-awful. Bud Selig should require whichever team loses the NL Central to take a five year (minimum) organization-wide sabbatical to seriously reconsider their collective career choices. 

WALK OFF 2: CAMPANA RETURNS (Recap 4/24 Cubs vs Cards)

LOL WTF

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding where to start with this, so allow me to just get something out of my system real quick.

(*deep breath*)

HOLYSHITCAMPANAISGOODANDSHARKTHREWSTRIKESANDTHEUMPIRESSUCKBUTINAGOODWAYANDMIKEMATHENYGOTTHROWNOUTANDITWASAWESOMEDIDIMENTIONCAMPANAHESSOGOODANDTHEHAIRANDRAFAELFURCALSUCKSTOOANDIACTUALLYFORGOTHOWMUCHIHATECARLOSMARMOLBECAUSE
THATSHOWGREATTHISGAMEWAS.

(*rips hit of inhaler*)

Okay. That's better. Let's start with Shark. He pitched a fantastic game. He took a 1-0 lead through 7.2 in under 100 pitches, had 9 Ks, and was throwing strikes at a ridiculous rate. Then Sveum inexplicably took him out, perhaps because he was worried if he kept pitching like that he'd end up injuring himself after the game while having sex with every girl in the stadium. That move paved the way for our bullpen to do what it does best, which is to take out a gun and shoot every good outing from starting pitchers right in its face.

Sveum (again, inexplicably) put in Marmol with two outs in the 8th and a one-run lead to try and lo-haha...sorry, to try and lock u-haha!!...sorry, it's just hard to say. Here goes: to try and lockupatwoinningsaveBAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean even getting a one-inning save is an adventure for Carlos, so why Sveum continues to think he can pull off a twofer is beyond me. Marmol, eager to show his manager some appreciation for sticking with him, managed to throw four whole pitches before serving up a hanging slider to Matt Holliday, who politely removed it from the stadium in the form of a two-run homer.

Game over, right? WRONG, IDIOT.

Stop assuming stuff, you ass!

You know why? Because Bryan TheHair, that's why. He led off with a solo shot in the ninth to tie the game up at 2 and send it to extras. Then in the 10th, Tony fucking Campana came up.

Not even a little ashamed of this picture

Campana managed to get on base, which means he's obviously going to steal because he doesn't give a shit. I like to think that he knows he's only going to be in Chicago until Brett Jackson is deemed ready, so he's just decided to fuck bitches while he's here. Campana stole second even though he didn't (he was absolutely out but the umpire blew the call), and then scored easily on an Alfonso Soriano single. Soriano got the Gatorade bath tonight, but if anybody deserved it (besides TheHair, Shark, or that umpire) it's Campanarama. 

After all that, the Cubs are now up to a win percentage of .333 and have officially won their first series of the year. Needless to be said, playoff tickets are flying off the shelves. 

*Side note: Just for fun, I kept a running tally of Tony Campana's impact on the game. Here was the result:

Tony Campana is bad: 2

Tony Campana is good: 8

I didn't keep track of the context of my tallies, so I can't really explain the results. However, with an .800 "good" percentage I'm pretty sure he's in the running for MVP. 

**Second side note: I'd just like to point out that in my preview post I suggested a lineup for tonight consisting entirely of Tony Campana, TheHair, and Shark...all three heroes of the night. Does that make me a psychic baseball genius magician? Yes, yes it doe—wait, what? I put Joe Mather on there too? Oh for fucks sake, fine, never mind. 

Recap: 4/20 Cubs vs. Reds

Chris Volstad playing baseball

Did you know Chris Volstad's ERA so far is 6.19? Yeah, I thought it was higher too. Seems like every time the Cubs reach his turn in the rotation they're four runs behind before anybody gets a chance to sing the National Anthem. Not that I'm complaining. As long as he can get through every game without his right arm catching on fire he's done his job.

The defense is a different story. Starlin Castro, Marlon Byrd, and Bryan LaHair all committed errors today. Watching Castro kick around ground balls hit directly at him for a little while before he throws them straight into the ground is fun, but at a certain point it has to stop. Byrd's batting average is approaching absolute zero this year, so he can ill afford to let his defense fall off. As for you, TheHair...I'm disappointed in you. I have loved him since Spring Training last year, and he...you know what, whatever I'll love him regardless. Boot all the grounders you want, Bryan, just make sure you keep following them up with doubles off the ivy.

Despite the overall shittiness of this game what with the errors, the weather, Chris Volstad's slider, and a guy named Homer beating us...we still scored four runs. I'm thinking that over the course of this season a four-run game will end up being a positive for us pretty much every time it happens. Gooooo REBUILD!

Look!

A metaphor for the season so far!

Probably going to use this gif every chance I get

Bryan LaHair represents the expectations of fans who are idiots, Garza's aim represents Epstein's vision, the crowd is the future, and Matt Garza is a baseball player who is very bad at defense! Anyway I just wouldn't have felt right moving forward without first using that gif. Onward!