SHIT IS HAPPENING GUYS

TONY CAMPANA IS APPARENTLY A CENTER FIELDER. MARLON BYRD WILL NOT SURVIVE THE DAY. BREAKING NEWS:

"The Boston Globe’s Nick Cafardo is reporting that that the Red Sox, who’ve been in the market for an outfielder after losing Jacoby Ellsbury for a hearty chunk of time (and Carl Crawford has been out as well, though he’s expected back soon), are closing in on a deal for Marlon Byrd..." (Bleacher Nation)

 ...'S HEAD ON A STICK.

IS THAT SHIT REAL?!

For real though, apparently Byrd is going to be gone, probably within the day and Tony Campana will take over center field, platooning with Reed Johnson, Joe Mather, and some guy named Sappelt. Presumably this will go on until Brett Jackson is ready to leave Des Moines and show his franchise-worthy face in the Windy City. (Fun fact, Des Moines' nickname is The "What The Fuck Is That 'S' Doing There" City)

More updates as they come, if I feel like it.

Ryan Dempster officially to the DL

After suffering from chronic leg explosions, Ryan Dempster has been placed on the DL to make room for Cubs person Tony Campana, whom I know nothing about but will totally research in a second because I care about the prestige of this blog. While I'm doing that, take a moment to realize that without Dempster the Cubs' team ERA just went from 5.13 up to almost 6.00 (5.90 to be exact. Because I keep it exact UP IN THIS CUBS BLOG). Did it sink in? Now, I would normally say PANIC BECAUSE OH MY GOD WE'RE DOOMED:

But this year is a wash anyway. Get healthy Dempster, last place will be waiting safely for you when you return. Now to learn about Tony Campana. I guess he looks like this:

Also, his name is Tony if you forgot

That'll have to suffice for now. 

Just saying, there are alternatives

Here's a face that just doesn't give a fuck

Paul Maholm sucks, but we put up with him because as a baby he decided to eat his peas using his left hand. The fact is Sveum could trot just about anybody with a left arm and a rudimentary understanding of organized sports out to the mound every 5th day and get roughly the same outing you're going to get from a Paul Maholm. Sveum chooses to use him because he's cheap, and because he enjoys being employed. But if  ol' Moleface gave as few fucks about managing as Paul Maholm gives about keeping his pitches down, there are any number of alternatives we could see week in and week out. For example...

...Bart Simpson...

Seen here throwing a nasty Christmas palmball

...The late president James A. Garfield...

You just learned something

...Tim fucking Tebow...

With a little "help" of course!

...and this dog.

HE'S A SOUTHPAW! A SOUTHPAW! HA HA!

But seriously, go Cubs. 

Suggested filler topics for Len and Bob

"Sorry, bros." - Theo Epstein

We're in a rebuilding year. That's fine for the players, that's fine for the fans, and that's fine for the organization...but that kind of fucking blows for Len and Bob. There's only so many times they can talk about the future of the club. They can discuss Starlin Castro, Anthony Rizzo, Brett Jackson, Maybe a Good Young Starting Pitcher Someday, and the foreseeable not-this-year-but-totally-soon-you-guys potential of the Chicago Cubs until the cows come home (as if cows ever leave home, that expression sucks), but there's still 150 some odd games to go this year. And no matter how good the two of them are at ad-libbing there's going to be moments where there just isn't anything to talk about. I'd like to try and help. Here are a few things I'd like to see/hear during the seemingly infinite 4th innings to come where we're down five runs: 

• Potential Bob Brenly toupee styles
• Full games broadcasted entirely via bass guitar
• DOW-JONES updates
• Discussions surrounding Len Kasper's sex life
• Spirited rounds of Fuck-Marry-Kill during the WGN Fan Cam segments
• Coke or Pepsi, WHO YA GOT?
• Real-time Bulls check-ins
• Vodka tastings
• Whiskey tastings
• Harry Caray impressions
• High stakes gambling
• On-air salary negotiations with Tom Ricketts 
• Gin tastings
• Bob Brenly shouting suggestions from the booth at Steve Clevenger to improve his ability to catch baseballs
• Arm wrestling
• Leg wrestling
• WWE style wrestling
• and Bill Murray

If we can't have an exciting baseball team in 2012 we might as well have an exciting broadcast team.

BREAKING: Lendy Castillo does not have a default picture on Cubs.com

I suggest we go with this until a suitable replacement is chosen:

He's not very good at baseball

Cubs Jeopardy! Episode One

Since this is a "for-the-sake-of-fuck" blog as it is, I've decided to do whatever I damn well please with it. With that in mind I'd like to introduce Cubs Jeopardy (working title). Here's how it works. Every 'however-the-fuck-many-I-feel-like' days I'm going to introduce a Jeopardy!-style category with 5 accompanying clues. If you feel like answering them (which would of course require you to be reading this, which automatically counts you out) then you can do so in the comments for a chance to win cool Cubs prizes like autographs, jerseys and of course I'M

ABSOLUTELY KIDDING THERE WILL BE NO PRIZES. 

Other than the priceless reward of increased sense of self-worth, of course.

WARNING: YOUR SELF-WORTH WILL NOT INCREASE EITHER

But, if nothing else (AND THERE IS NOTHING ELSE), I'll certainly have a great deal of respect for you. Let's get to it then! Today's category is:

You'll note that the "Fun" is in quotes. As in Fun Facts. You'll also note that I'm noting this in an attempt to capture Alex Trebek's unrelenting smugness. Here are the clues.

For 200 Fucks, the Answer is: 

For 400 Fucks, the Answer is:

For 600 Fucks, the Answer is:

For 800 Fucks, the Answer is:

And for the vaunted 1000 Fucks, the Answer is: 

Careful...

There you have it. Post in the comments now if you're man enough, or follow the jump for the solutions (coward). 

Exclusive Look at Ryan Dempster's MRI

Ryan Dempster had an MRI earlier Friday and the Cubs have officially released this image:

100% Medically Accurate

What you're looking at is what doctors refer to as "A Bunch Of Tiny Explosions In His Knee and Leg." In laymen's terms, this means a number of tiny hydrogen bombs are rapidly detonating in Dempster's knee at a rate of More Explosions Than One Would Prefer Per Hour, or METOWPPH. Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal says that an injury of this magnitude "probably should have killed him, as well as this whole god forsaken season."

Dempster is listed as "probable" for Sunday's start against the Cincinnati Reds.