Recap: Cubs vs Cardinals 4/25

Well, we lost. Chris Volstad still sucks, TheHair is still good, and the world is still spinning (Campanarama went 0-4 but that's okay, even Superman has off-days). But we still won the series and we don't play St. Louis again until May 14th, giving us 19 full days to make fun of our dumb, jerkfaced Cardinal fan friends. And that makes us all winners.

Sorry for the short recap, but something about watching Chris Volstad pitch gives me writer's block and severe diarrhea.

WALK OFF 2: CAMPANA RETURNS (Recap 4/24 Cubs vs Cards)

LOL WTF

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding where to start with this, so allow me to just get something out of my system real quick.

(*deep breath*)

HOLYSHITCAMPANAISGOODANDSHARKTHREWSTRIKESANDTHEUMPIRESSUCKBUTINAGOODWAYANDMIKEMATHENYGOTTHROWNOUTANDITWASAWESOMEDIDIMENTIONCAMPANAHESSOGOODANDTHEHAIRANDRAFAELFURCALSUCKSTOOANDIACTUALLYFORGOTHOWMUCHIHATECARLOSMARMOLBECAUSE
THATSHOWGREATTHISGAMEWAS.

(*rips hit of inhaler*)

Okay. That's better. Let's start with Shark. He pitched a fantastic game. He took a 1-0 lead through 7.2 in under 100 pitches, had 9 Ks, and was throwing strikes at a ridiculous rate. Then Sveum inexplicably took him out, perhaps because he was worried if he kept pitching like that he'd end up injuring himself after the game while having sex with every girl in the stadium. That move paved the way for our bullpen to do what it does best, which is to take out a gun and shoot every good outing from starting pitchers right in its face.

Sveum (again, inexplicably) put in Marmol with two outs in the 8th and a one-run lead to try and lo-haha...sorry, to try and lock u-haha!!...sorry, it's just hard to say. Here goes: to try and lockupatwoinningsaveBAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean even getting a one-inning save is an adventure for Carlos, so why Sveum continues to think he can pull off a twofer is beyond me. Marmol, eager to show his manager some appreciation for sticking with him, managed to throw four whole pitches before serving up a hanging slider to Matt Holliday, who politely removed it from the stadium in the form of a two-run homer.

Game over, right? WRONG, IDIOT.

Stop assuming stuff, you ass!

You know why? Because Bryan TheHair, that's why. He led off with a solo shot in the ninth to tie the game up at 2 and send it to extras. Then in the 10th, Tony fucking Campana came up.

Not even a little ashamed of this picture

Campana managed to get on base, which means he's obviously going to steal because he doesn't give a shit. I like to think that he knows he's only going to be in Chicago until Brett Jackson is deemed ready, so he's just decided to fuck bitches while he's here. Campana stole second even though he didn't (he was absolutely out but the umpire blew the call), and then scored easily on an Alfonso Soriano single. Soriano got the Gatorade bath tonight, but if anybody deserved it (besides TheHair, Shark, or that umpire) it's Campanarama. 

After all that, the Cubs are now up to a win percentage of .333 and have officially won their first series of the year. Needless to be said, playoff tickets are flying off the shelves. 

*Side note: Just for fun, I kept a running tally of Tony Campana's impact on the game. Here was the result:

Tony Campana is bad: 2

Tony Campana is good: 8

I didn't keep track of the context of my tallies, so I can't really explain the results. However, with an .800 "good" percentage I'm pretty sure he's in the running for MVP. 

**Second side note: I'd just like to point out that in my preview post I suggested a lineup for tonight consisting entirely of Tony Campana, TheHair, and Shark...all three heroes of the night. Does that make me a psychic baseball genius magician? Yes, yes it doe—wait, what? I put Joe Mather on there too? Oh for fucks sake, fine, never mind. 

Preview: Cubs vs Cardinals 4/24

Mmm yeah girl, I call it a four-scream fastball

After last night's electrifying walk-off win, general logic would suggest that the Cubs are about to rip off 30 or 35 wins in a row. Ricketts has already started selling playoff tickets and as of late yesterday every single Blackhawks fan in Chicago simultaneously shifted their focus to the SURGING Cubs and their one-game winning streak. The pressure is officially on. 

But if anybody can handle pressure it's Shark Samardzija, who needs only to look pressure in the eye while giving his mustache a slow lick for any source of buildup to, *ahem*, release. Meanwhile there's Adam Wainwright who has responded to the pressure of coming off Tommy John surgery this year by premiering with a sunny ERA of 9.88, including a three-inning, eight-run outing against the Cubs earlier this April. A number of his teammates think he may not even show up to Wrigley today, instead choosing to cower in his mother's arms like a dweeb while Shark steals his girlfriend and peels out on his front lawn with a motorcycle. 

I guess what I'm saying is the Cubs have a good chance to really whip out their big, throbbing offense today. Sveum hasn't released his lineup yet, but if he's smart it will look something like this:

1. Tony Campana

2. Tony Campana

3. Tony Campana

4. Bryan LaHair

5. Tony Campana

6. Tony Campana

7. Tony Campana

8. Joe Mather

9. Shark

Recap: WALK OFF (Cubs vs. Cardinals 4/23)

WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN, WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. 

Future Hall-of-Famer Tony Campana celebrates with whoever that guy is who won the game

What a game. Matt Garza had possibly the most surprisingly above-average outing of his career, Tony Campana is the fastest man alive, and Joe Mather lived out every boy's favorite baseball fantasy; being down to your last strike in the bottom of the ninth and getting the game winning hit, dramatically thrusting your team into within six games of first place. 

There were a lot of things to love about this game. Mather's ninth inning hit was awesome, not to mention the hilariously over-the-top celebratory display the Cubs put on after the winning run crossed the plate. They were acting like they had just won the Little League World Series, and I was loving every second of it. For God's sake, Joe Mather got a Gatorade cooler dumped on him for getting a hit that almost got our win percentage over 30%. This team may lose 90 games, but they're going to have fun doing it, damnit. 

Then there's my GUY Tony Campana-The-Mana, who put on a one man base-stealing show in the eighth inning. He drew SEVEN pick-off attempts at first base and still had the cojones to try and steal second, which he did easily. Then on the very next pitch he stole third without a throw. I wish you could pinch-run somebody for every single player, because holy shit Campana is fun to watch when he's doing his thing. 

But my favorite part of this game was my favorite part of any game he's involved in; Matt Garza. He had a nice line (7.0 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks), but who gives a shit about his pitching. It's everything else  he does that makes me love him. A few highlights:

• In the top of the third inning Garza successfully fielded AND threw a ball to first. THEN went on to lay down a perfect sacrifice bunt in the bottom half. I nearly shat myself where I stood.
• HE GOT A HIT. He singled past Matt Carpenter in the fifth, giving him his SEVENTH CAREER HIT. If I were at the game I would have promptly attempted to start an MVP chant.
• Finally, it wouldn't be a Matt Garza game if he didn't do something hilarious. So I submit this:

A wild Matt Garza, seen here in its natural habitat

A grounder came back up the middle and he did this ridiculous backwards lay-out where he tried to grab the ball with his non-glove hand while falling away from it. It was magnificent, and I apologize to those of you who didn't see it because neither that description, nor the photograph I giddily took of my TV screen right after it happened do it justice. 

One more time: what a game.

TONY CAMPANA ERA UPDATE

HELL

FUCKING

FUCK

YES.

He went 1 for 2 with a walk. 

Bye-bye Byrdie

Yeah take your gay little "I-sprint-during-home-runs" act elsewhere, bub

Marlon Byrd is gone folks, and he's taking his .070 average with him. His departure paves the way for the TONY CAMPANA ERA TO BEGIN! FUCK YEAH!

LOOK HOW FUCKING EXCITED EVERYBODY IS! LOOK AT THEM!

Actually, Byrd leaving town doesn't really mean anything other than that things are continuing to go according to Theo's master plan. Out with the old, in with the youngsters. Developmental baseball. It still remains to be seen whether Brett Jackson will see the majors this year, but this move suggests we'll see him sooner rather than later. Or later rather than sooner depending on when you originally expected to see him. Guess that expression is pretty stupid. 

BUT I DIGRESS. While Byrd's on-field performance so far this year suggests the Cubs would land little more than a pre-owned Segway in return for him, we ended up getting Red Sox RHP Michael Bowden. This is cool because when I was in high school he actually pitched against us. This is not cool because he is not particularly good. But he's only 25, throws hard, and has a lot of upside so we'll see. Cool.

This post is starting to get a little too serious, so I'd like to address something real quick. I'm worried that the mole on Sveum's face is going to become a clubhouse distraction. Discuss. 

SHIT IS HAPPENING GUYS

TONY CAMPANA IS APPARENTLY A CENTER FIELDER. MARLON BYRD WILL NOT SURVIVE THE DAY. BREAKING NEWS:

"The Boston Globe’s Nick Cafardo is reporting that that the Red Sox, who’ve been in the market for an outfielder after losing Jacoby Ellsbury for a hearty chunk of time (and Carl Crawford has been out as well, though he’s expected back soon), are closing in on a deal for Marlon Byrd..." (Bleacher Nation)

 ...'S HEAD ON A STICK.

IS THAT SHIT REAL?!

For real though, apparently Byrd is going to be gone, probably within the day and Tony Campana will take over center field, platooning with Reed Johnson, Joe Mather, and some guy named Sappelt. Presumably this will go on until Brett Jackson is ready to leave Des Moines and show his franchise-worthy face in the Windy City. (Fun fact, Des Moines' nickname is The "What The Fuck Is That 'S' Doing There" City)

More updates as they come, if I feel like it.

Ryan Dempster officially to the DL

After suffering from chronic leg explosions, Ryan Dempster has been placed on the DL to make room for Cubs person Tony Campana, whom I know nothing about but will totally research in a second because I care about the prestige of this blog. While I'm doing that, take a moment to realize that without Dempster the Cubs' team ERA just went from 5.13 up to almost 6.00 (5.90 to be exact. Because I keep it exact UP IN THIS CUBS BLOG). Did it sink in? Now, I would normally say PANIC BECAUSE OH MY GOD WE'RE DOOMED:

But this year is a wash anyway. Get healthy Dempster, last place will be waiting safely for you when you return. Now to learn about Tony Campana. I guess he looks like this:

Also, his name is Tony if you forgot

That'll have to suffice for now.