WALK OFF 2: CAMPANA RETURNS (Recap 4/24 Cubs vs Cards)

LOL WTF

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding where to start with this, so allow me to just get something out of my system real quick.

(*deep breath*)

HOLYSHITCAMPANAISGOODANDSHARKTHREWSTRIKESANDTHEUMPIRESSUCKBUTINAGOODWAYANDMIKEMATHENYGOTTHROWNOUTANDITWASAWESOMEDIDIMENTIONCAMPANAHESSOGOODANDTHEHAIRANDRAFAELFURCALSUCKSTOOANDIACTUALLYFORGOTHOWMUCHIHATECARLOSMARMOLBECAUSE
THATSHOWGREATTHISGAMEWAS.

(*rips hit of inhaler*)

Okay. That's better. Let's start with Shark. He pitched a fantastic game. He took a 1-0 lead through 7.2 in under 100 pitches, had 9 Ks, and was throwing strikes at a ridiculous rate. Then Sveum inexplicably took him out, perhaps because he was worried if he kept pitching like that he'd end up injuring himself after the game while having sex with every girl in the stadium. That move paved the way for our bullpen to do what it does best, which is to take out a gun and shoot every good outing from starting pitchers right in its face.

Sveum (again, inexplicably) put in Marmol with two outs in the 8th and a one-run lead to try and lo-haha...sorry, to try and lock u-haha!!...sorry, it's just hard to say. Here goes: to try and lockupatwoinningsaveBAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean even getting a one-inning save is an adventure for Carlos, so why Sveum continues to think he can pull off a twofer is beyond me. Marmol, eager to show his manager some appreciation for sticking with him, managed to throw four whole pitches before serving up a hanging slider to Matt Holliday, who politely removed it from the stadium in the form of a two-run homer.

Game over, right? WRONG, IDIOT.

Stop assuming stuff, you ass!

You know why? Because Bryan TheHair, that's why. He led off with a solo shot in the ninth to tie the game up at 2 and send it to extras. Then in the 10th, Tony fucking Campana came up.

Not even a little ashamed of this picture

Campana managed to get on base, which means he's obviously going to steal because he doesn't give a shit. I like to think that he knows he's only going to be in Chicago until Brett Jackson is deemed ready, so he's just decided to fuck bitches while he's here. Campana stole second even though he didn't (he was absolutely out but the umpire blew the call), and then scored easily on an Alfonso Soriano single. Soriano got the Gatorade bath tonight, but if anybody deserved it (besides TheHair, Shark, or that umpire) it's Campanarama. 

After all that, the Cubs are now up to a win percentage of .333 and have officially won their first series of the year. Needless to be said, playoff tickets are flying off the shelves. 

*Side note: Just for fun, I kept a running tally of Tony Campana's impact on the game. Here was the result:

Tony Campana is bad: 2

Tony Campana is good: 8

I didn't keep track of the context of my tallies, so I can't really explain the results. However, with an .800 "good" percentage I'm pretty sure he's in the running for MVP. 

**Second side note: I'd just like to point out that in my preview post I suggested a lineup for tonight consisting entirely of Tony Campana, TheHair, and Shark...all three heroes of the night. Does that make me a psychic baseball genius magician? Yes, yes it doe—wait, what? I put Joe Mather on there too? Oh for fucks sake, fine, never mind. 

Recap: WALK OFF (Cubs vs. Cardinals 4/23)

WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN, WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. 

Future Hall-of-Famer Tony Campana celebrates with whoever that guy is who won the game

What a game. Matt Garza had possibly the most surprisingly above-average outing of his career, Tony Campana is the fastest man alive, and Joe Mather lived out every boy's favorite baseball fantasy; being down to your last strike in the bottom of the ninth and getting the game winning hit, dramatically thrusting your team into within six games of first place. 

There were a lot of things to love about this game. Mather's ninth inning hit was awesome, not to mention the hilariously over-the-top celebratory display the Cubs put on after the winning run crossed the plate. They were acting like they had just won the Little League World Series, and I was loving every second of it. For God's sake, Joe Mather got a Gatorade cooler dumped on him for getting a hit that almost got our win percentage over 30%. This team may lose 90 games, but they're going to have fun doing it, damnit. 

Then there's my GUY Tony Campana-The-Mana, who put on a one man base-stealing show in the eighth inning. He drew SEVEN pick-off attempts at first base and still had the cojones to try and steal second, which he did easily. Then on the very next pitch he stole third without a throw. I wish you could pinch-run somebody for every single player, because holy shit Campana is fun to watch when he's doing his thing. 

But my favorite part of this game was my favorite part of any game he's involved in; Matt Garza. He had a nice line (7.0 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks), but who gives a shit about his pitching. It's everything else  he does that makes me love him. A few highlights:

• In the top of the third inning Garza successfully fielded AND threw a ball to first. THEN went on to lay down a perfect sacrifice bunt in the bottom half. I nearly shat myself where I stood.
• HE GOT A HIT. He singled past Matt Carpenter in the fifth, giving him his SEVENTH CAREER HIT. If I were at the game I would have promptly attempted to start an MVP chant.
• Finally, it wouldn't be a Matt Garza game if he didn't do something hilarious. So I submit this:

A wild Matt Garza, seen here in its natural habitat

A grounder came back up the middle and he did this ridiculous backwards lay-out where he tried to grab the ball with his non-glove hand while falling away from it. It was magnificent, and I apologize to those of you who didn't see it because neither that description, nor the photograph I giddily took of my TV screen right after it happened do it justice. 

One more time: what a game.