Ryan Dempster is Probably Pretty Grumpy

Goooooooooooooooooodddddddd damn it.

I haven't really had a ton to write about lately because the Cubs had been playing pretty decent baseball* and because I've been pretty lazy**. But after the Cubs decided to shit on yet another fabulous start by Ryan Dempster I figured this was as good a time as any to start writing again. Let's get to it then.

Technically you can't fully blame the Cubs offense for messing this one up because they did manage to put a run across tonight. In fact you could go ahead and blame Dempster entirely because it was pretty stupid of him to give up the one earned run that he did (which ballooned his ERA all the way to 1.02) considering by this point he should be well aware that if he does anything less than throw a perfect game and hit a home run he's guaranteed a no-decision. Come on, learn from the past dude.

Red has now started five games this year and in them he has received all of eight runs from his offense en route to an 0-1 record. He's striking out a batter per inning, his WHIP is stupid low (0.85), and hitters are batting .164 against him. I just...these are top tier numbers. Meanwhile in starts that Ryan Dempster has not been involved in the Cubs are averaging nearly 4 runs a game. What's going on?

I know, it's bad luck and that's it. It's early in the season, the sample size isn't big enough, yada yada yada. Still, if I'm Dempster I'm shaking my head. Especially when in the eighth inning Kerry Wood gives up two runs to break a 1-1 tie (a borderline insurmountable deficit for this team), and then throws his glove into the stands as if he's the one that's frustrated. In an ideal world a cameraman would cut to Dempster right at that moment to reveal him giving Wood a couple of these:

Cool inning bro!

Anyway, Cubs lose, which means I'm back for a while.

*With great respect to Carlos Marmol's pitching, Tony Campana's bunting, Kerry Wood's shoulder or whatever, and Chris Volstad's general face.

**This is the actual reason.

Recap: Cubs vs Cardinals 4/25

Well, we lost. Chris Volstad still sucks, TheHair is still good, and the world is still spinning (Campanarama went 0-4 but that's okay, even Superman has off-days). But we still won the series and we don't play St. Louis again until May 14th, giving us 19 full days to make fun of our dumb, jerkfaced Cardinal fan friends. And that makes us all winners.

Sorry for the short recap, but something about watching Chris Volstad pitch gives me writer's block and severe diarrhea.

Lance Lynn is a big old hairy penis

So he's got a 1.42 ERA, big whoop. Wainwright had a 9.88 before yesterday's game and he only gave up one run through six. By that logic, The Cubs should win 9.88 to zero today.

Lance Lynn yawning at my logic

Anyway, the headline of the post says it all, I just wanted to show you a picture of this fucker. Look at him, you just know he's into his sister. 

Preview: Cubs vs CardinLOLs 4/25

Chris Volstad is pitching so that sucks, but we already won the series! So...

WHO

GIVES

A

FUCK.

Plus, whoever is pitching for the Cardinals today sucks too. Or at least I assume he does because his name is Lynn. 

WALK OFF 2: CAMPANA RETURNS (Recap 4/24 Cubs vs Cards)

LOL WTF

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding where to start with this, so allow me to just get something out of my system real quick.

(*deep breath*)

HOLYSHITCAMPANAISGOODANDSHARKTHREWSTRIKESANDTHEUMPIRESSUCKBUTINAGOODWAYANDMIKEMATHENYGOTTHROWNOUTANDITWASAWESOMEDIDIMENTIONCAMPANAHESSOGOODANDTHEHAIRANDRAFAELFURCALSUCKSTOOANDIACTUALLYFORGOTHOWMUCHIHATECARLOSMARMOLBECAUSE
THATSHOWGREATTHISGAMEWAS.

(*rips hit of inhaler*)

Okay. That's better. Let's start with Shark. He pitched a fantastic game. He took a 1-0 lead through 7.2 in under 100 pitches, had 9 Ks, and was throwing strikes at a ridiculous rate. Then Sveum inexplicably took him out, perhaps because he was worried if he kept pitching like that he'd end up injuring himself after the game while having sex with every girl in the stadium. That move paved the way for our bullpen to do what it does best, which is to take out a gun and shoot every good outing from starting pitchers right in its face.

Sveum (again, inexplicably) put in Marmol with two outs in the 8th and a one-run lead to try and lo-haha...sorry, to try and lock u-haha!!...sorry, it's just hard to say. Here goes: to try and lockupatwoinningsaveBAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean even getting a one-inning save is an adventure for Carlos, so why Sveum continues to think he can pull off a twofer is beyond me. Marmol, eager to show his manager some appreciation for sticking with him, managed to throw four whole pitches before serving up a hanging slider to Matt Holliday, who politely removed it from the stadium in the form of a two-run homer.

Game over, right? WRONG, IDIOT.

Stop assuming stuff, you ass!

You know why? Because Bryan TheHair, that's why. He led off with a solo shot in the ninth to tie the game up at 2 and send it to extras. Then in the 10th, Tony fucking Campana came up.

Not even a little ashamed of this picture

Campana managed to get on base, which means he's obviously going to steal because he doesn't give a shit. I like to think that he knows he's only going to be in Chicago until Brett Jackson is deemed ready, so he's just decided to fuck bitches while he's here. Campana stole second even though he didn't (he was absolutely out but the umpire blew the call), and then scored easily on an Alfonso Soriano single. Soriano got the Gatorade bath tonight, but if anybody deserved it (besides TheHair, Shark, or that umpire) it's Campanarama. 

After all that, the Cubs are now up to a win percentage of .333 and have officially won their first series of the year. Needless to be said, playoff tickets are flying off the shelves. 

*Side note: Just for fun, I kept a running tally of Tony Campana's impact on the game. Here was the result:

Tony Campana is bad: 2

Tony Campana is good: 8

I didn't keep track of the context of my tallies, so I can't really explain the results. However, with an .800 "good" percentage I'm pretty sure he's in the running for MVP. 

**Second side note: I'd just like to point out that in my preview post I suggested a lineup for tonight consisting entirely of Tony Campana, TheHair, and Shark...all three heroes of the night. Does that make me a psychic baseball genius magician? Yes, yes it doe—wait, what? I put Joe Mather on there too? Oh for fucks sake, fine, never mind. 

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

WHO ARE THESE CUBS? ANOTHER WALK OFF? GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND TO BREATHE BEFORE I WRITE THIS RECAP. CAN YOU GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND TO BREATHE?

Preview: Cubs vs Cardinals 4/24

Mmm yeah girl, I call it a four-scream fastball

After last night's electrifying walk-off win, general logic would suggest that the Cubs are about to rip off 30 or 35 wins in a row. Ricketts has already started selling playoff tickets and as of late yesterday every single Blackhawks fan in Chicago simultaneously shifted their focus to the SURGING Cubs and their one-game winning streak. The pressure is officially on. 

But if anybody can handle pressure it's Shark Samardzija, who needs only to look pressure in the eye while giving his mustache a slow lick for any source of buildup to, *ahem*, release. Meanwhile there's Adam Wainwright who has responded to the pressure of coming off Tommy John surgery this year by premiering with a sunny ERA of 9.88, including a three-inning, eight-run outing against the Cubs earlier this April. A number of his teammates think he may not even show up to Wrigley today, instead choosing to cower in his mother's arms like a dweeb while Shark steals his girlfriend and peels out on his front lawn with a motorcycle. 

I guess what I'm saying is the Cubs have a good chance to really whip out their big, throbbing offense today. Sveum hasn't released his lineup yet, but if he's smart it will look something like this:

1. Tony Campana

2. Tony Campana

3. Tony Campana

4. Bryan LaHair

5. Tony Campana

6. Tony Campana

7. Tony Campana

8. Joe Mather

9. Shark