The Cubs are 8-6 Since I Started This Blog

I'm just saying, if we make the playoffs this year I better get my own 30-for-30.

Paul Maholm is Fucking With Me (Recap 5/9)

What the actual fuck is up with this guy?

Another day, another impeccable photoshop.

A few weeks ago I created a post suggesting that a left-pawed dog would be a better option for the Cubs as a fifth starter than Paul Maholm. Yeah I know, that's pretty funny, thank you. As of April 20th (when I wrote the post), Maholm was sitting at 0-2 after putting up a nearly identical line in two straight games en route to an ERA of 13.50. At the time I figured Maholm had some serious potential to be the figurehead/lightning rod/dude who shat himself in the public square/laughing stock of my new blog. Smash cut to:

20 days later, the fucking guy has gone 4-0 with a 1.06 ERA in his last four starts! Am I the one who caused this? Yes. Yes, I am. 

Anyway, Maholm pitched another gem today and between him, Dempster, Samaradkhjxaifdnak, and Garza, our rotation kinda resembles one of those nerdy girls who you wouldn't expect to be hot, and isn't, but probably would be if it weren't for that one grossly over-sized toe (Chris Volstad is the toe). 

TheHair had two more hits today and what ended up being the game-winning RBI, so he's probably on track to win an award, like "Chicago Cubs Silver Slugger MVP" or "NL Central Guy of 1st Base" or "Best Smile." Or something else. He's now hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games. Meanwhile Anthony Rizzo recently hit his 250th home run of the season in Iowa, so whenever his arbitration situation finally allows us to call him up it's going to be good times left and right watching these two hit in the same lineup. 

But until then let's just kick back and watch the NL Central eat itself alive. Seriously, everybody but the Cardinals in this division is just god-awful. Bud Selig should require whichever team loses the NL Central to take a five year (minimum) organization-wide sabbatical to seriously reconsider their collective career choices. 

Ryan Dempster is Probably Pretty Grumpy

Goooooooooooooooooodddddddd damn it.

I haven't really had a ton to write about lately because the Cubs had been playing pretty decent baseball* and because I've been pretty lazy**. But after the Cubs decided to shit on yet another fabulous start by Ryan Dempster I figured this was as good a time as any to start writing again. Let's get to it then.

Technically you can't fully blame the Cubs offense for messing this one up because they did manage to put a run across tonight. In fact you could go ahead and blame Dempster entirely because it was pretty stupid of him to give up the one earned run that he did (which ballooned his ERA all the way to 1.02) considering by this point he should be well aware that if he does anything less than throw a perfect game and hit a home run he's guaranteed a no-decision. Come on, learn from the past dude.

Red has now started five games this year and in them he has received all of eight runs from his offense en route to an 0-1 record. He's striking out a batter per inning, his WHIP is stupid low (0.85), and hitters are batting .164 against him. I just...these are top tier numbers. Meanwhile in starts that Ryan Dempster has not been involved in the Cubs are averaging nearly 4 runs a game. What's going on?

I know, it's bad luck and that's it. It's early in the season, the sample size isn't big enough, yada yada yada. Still, if I'm Dempster I'm shaking my head. Especially when in the eighth inning Kerry Wood gives up two runs to break a 1-1 tie (a borderline insurmountable deficit for this team), and then throws his glove into the stands as if he's the one that's frustrated. In an ideal world a cameraman would cut to Dempster right at that moment to reveal him giving Wood a couple of these:

Cool inning bro!

Anyway, Cubs lose, which means I'm back for a while.

*With great respect to Carlos Marmol's pitching, Tony Campana's bunting, Kerry Wood's shoulder or whatever, and Chris Volstad's general face.

**This is the actual reason.

Recap: Cubs vs Cardinals 4/25

Well, we lost. Chris Volstad still sucks, TheHair is still good, and the world is still spinning (Campanarama went 0-4 but that's okay, even Superman has off-days). But we still won the series and we don't play St. Louis again until May 14th, giving us 19 full days to make fun of our dumb, jerkfaced Cardinal fan friends. And that makes us all winners.

Sorry for the short recap, but something about watching Chris Volstad pitch gives me writer's block and severe diarrhea.

Lance Lynn is a big old hairy penis

So he's got a 1.42 ERA, big whoop. Wainwright had a 9.88 before yesterday's game and he only gave up one run through six. By that logic, The Cubs should win 9.88 to zero today.

Lance Lynn yawning at my logic

Anyway, the headline of the post says it all, I just wanted to show you a picture of this fucker. Look at him, you just know he's into his sister. 

Preview: Cubs vs CardinLOLs 4/25

Chris Volstad is pitching so that sucks, but we already won the series! So...

WHO

GIVES

A

FUCK.

Plus, whoever is pitching for the Cardinals today sucks too. Or at least I assume he does because his name is Lynn. 

WALK OFF 2: CAMPANA RETURNS (Recap 4/24 Cubs vs Cards)

LOL WTF

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding where to start with this, so allow me to just get something out of my system real quick.

(*deep breath*)

HOLYSHITCAMPANAISGOODANDSHARKTHREWSTRIKESANDTHEUMPIRESSUCKBUTINAGOODWAYANDMIKEMATHENYGOTTHROWNOUTANDITWASAWESOMEDIDIMENTIONCAMPANAHESSOGOODANDTHEHAIRANDRAFAELFURCALSUCKSTOOANDIACTUALLYFORGOTHOWMUCHIHATECARLOSMARMOLBECAUSE
THATSHOWGREATTHISGAMEWAS.

(*rips hit of inhaler*)

Okay. That's better. Let's start with Shark. He pitched a fantastic game. He took a 1-0 lead through 7.2 in under 100 pitches, had 9 Ks, and was throwing strikes at a ridiculous rate. Then Sveum inexplicably took him out, perhaps because he was worried if he kept pitching like that he'd end up injuring himself after the game while having sex with every girl in the stadium. That move paved the way for our bullpen to do what it does best, which is to take out a gun and shoot every good outing from starting pitchers right in its face.

Sveum (again, inexplicably) put in Marmol with two outs in the 8th and a one-run lead to try and lo-haha...sorry, to try and lock u-haha!!...sorry, it's just hard to say. Here goes: to try and lockupatwoinningsaveBAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean even getting a one-inning save is an adventure for Carlos, so why Sveum continues to think he can pull off a twofer is beyond me. Marmol, eager to show his manager some appreciation for sticking with him, managed to throw four whole pitches before serving up a hanging slider to Matt Holliday, who politely removed it from the stadium in the form of a two-run homer.

Game over, right? WRONG, IDIOT.

Stop assuming stuff, you ass!

You know why? Because Bryan TheHair, that's why. He led off with a solo shot in the ninth to tie the game up at 2 and send it to extras. Then in the 10th, Tony fucking Campana came up.

Not even a little ashamed of this picture

Campana managed to get on base, which means he's obviously going to steal because he doesn't give a shit. I like to think that he knows he's only going to be in Chicago until Brett Jackson is deemed ready, so he's just decided to fuck bitches while he's here. Campana stole second even though he didn't (he was absolutely out but the umpire blew the call), and then scored easily on an Alfonso Soriano single. Soriano got the Gatorade bath tonight, but if anybody deserved it (besides TheHair, Shark, or that umpire) it's Campanarama. 

After all that, the Cubs are now up to a win percentage of .333 and have officially won their first series of the year. Needless to be said, playoff tickets are flying off the shelves. 

*Side note: Just for fun, I kept a running tally of Tony Campana's impact on the game. Here was the result:

Tony Campana is bad: 2

Tony Campana is good: 8

I didn't keep track of the context of my tallies, so I can't really explain the results. However, with an .800 "good" percentage I'm pretty sure he's in the running for MVP. 

**Second side note: I'd just like to point out that in my preview post I suggested a lineup for tonight consisting entirely of Tony Campana, TheHair, and Shark...all three heroes of the night. Does that make me a psychic baseball genius magician? Yes, yes it doe—wait, what? I put Joe Mather on there too? Oh for fucks sake, fine, never mind. 

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

WHO ARE THESE CUBS? ANOTHER WALK OFF? GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND TO BREATHE BEFORE I WRITE THIS RECAP. CAN YOU GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND TO BREATHE?

Preview: Cubs vs Cardinals 4/24

Mmm yeah girl, I call it a four-scream fastball

After last night's electrifying walk-off win, general logic would suggest that the Cubs are about to rip off 30 or 35 wins in a row. Ricketts has already started selling playoff tickets and as of late yesterday every single Blackhawks fan in Chicago simultaneously shifted their focus to the SURGING Cubs and their one-game winning streak. The pressure is officially on. 

But if anybody can handle pressure it's Shark Samardzija, who needs only to look pressure in the eye while giving his mustache a slow lick for any source of buildup to, *ahem*, release. Meanwhile there's Adam Wainwright who has responded to the pressure of coming off Tommy John surgery this year by premiering with a sunny ERA of 9.88, including a three-inning, eight-run outing against the Cubs earlier this April. A number of his teammates think he may not even show up to Wrigley today, instead choosing to cower in his mother's arms like a dweeb while Shark steals his girlfriend and peels out on his front lawn with a motorcycle. 

I guess what I'm saying is the Cubs have a good chance to really whip out their big, throbbing offense today. Sveum hasn't released his lineup yet, but if he's smart it will look something like this:

1. Tony Campana

2. Tony Campana

3. Tony Campana

4. Bryan LaHair

5. Tony Campana

6. Tony Campana

7. Tony Campana

8. Joe Mather

9. Shark

Recap: WALK OFF (Cubs vs. Cardinals 4/23)

WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN, WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. 

Future Hall-of-Famer Tony Campana celebrates with whoever that guy is who won the game

What a game. Matt Garza had possibly the most surprisingly above-average outing of his career, Tony Campana is the fastest man alive, and Joe Mather lived out every boy's favorite baseball fantasy; being down to your last strike in the bottom of the ninth and getting the game winning hit, dramatically thrusting your team into within six games of first place. 

There were a lot of things to love about this game. Mather's ninth inning hit was awesome, not to mention the hilariously over-the-top celebratory display the Cubs put on after the winning run crossed the plate. They were acting like they had just won the Little League World Series, and I was loving every second of it. For God's sake, Joe Mather got a Gatorade cooler dumped on him for getting a hit that almost got our win percentage over 30%. This team may lose 90 games, but they're going to have fun doing it, damnit. 

Then there's my GUY Tony Campana-The-Mana, who put on a one man base-stealing show in the eighth inning. He drew SEVEN pick-off attempts at first base and still had the cojones to try and steal second, which he did easily. Then on the very next pitch he stole third without a throw. I wish you could pinch-run somebody for every single player, because holy shit Campana is fun to watch when he's doing his thing. 

But my favorite part of this game was my favorite part of any game he's involved in; Matt Garza. He had a nice line (7.0 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks), but who gives a shit about his pitching. It's everything else  he does that makes me love him. A few highlights:

• In the top of the third inning Garza successfully fielded AND threw a ball to first. THEN went on to lay down a perfect sacrifice bunt in the bottom half. I nearly shat myself where I stood.
• HE GOT A HIT. He singled past Matt Carpenter in the fifth, giving him his SEVENTH CAREER HIT. If I were at the game I would have promptly attempted to start an MVP chant.
• Finally, it wouldn't be a Matt Garza game if he didn't do something hilarious. So I submit this:

A wild Matt Garza, seen here in its natural habitat

A grounder came back up the middle and he did this ridiculous backwards lay-out where he tried to grab the ball with his non-glove hand while falling away from it. It was magnificent, and I apologize to those of you who didn't see it because neither that description, nor the photograph I giddily took of my TV screen right after it happened do it justice. 

One more time: what a game.

Preview: 4/23 Cubs vs. Cardinals

Matt Garza is pitching!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Matt Garza

Tonight we kick off our second series of the season against the division leading St. Louis Cardinals and Jaime Garcia (2-0, 3.06). So far this year the Cardinals have won every series they've been a part of, while the Cubs have, well, not. However, we are leading the entire league in Runs-Scored-In-Game-One-Of-A-Series-Against-The-Cardinals. Advantage: Cubs. 

We've got Garza on the mound, who is as good at pitching as he is fun to watch while doing anything but pitching. And let me tell you, he is pretty damn fun to watch when he isn't pitching. Jaime Garcia's stats look good on paper but he attributes his success entirely to luck.

"I'm not very good at this," he said after his last start, in which he managed to induce four double plays. Good luck doing that again, Jaime. 

All in all I like our chances of winning this game, and I love my chances of giggling a lot during it. 

TONY CAMPANA ERA UPDATE

HELL

FUCKING

FUCK

YES.

He went 1 for 2 with a walk. 

Recap: 4/22 Cubs vs. Reds

Don't worry, Starlin is fine. 

Starlin Castro, seen here committing a batting error

Randy Wells actually pitched pretty sorta alright. He gave up two runs in five innings of work, though he did also walk five so it's not like he didn't at least put forth a solid effort to suck. Commendable, Randy.

The real story here is Starlin Castro. He was hit by a pitch in the 7th and went to the ground, causing 375 massive coronaries in the greater Chicago region in a matter of seconds. It's cool though, he was able to take his base unassisted and even hit a triple in the 9th, an act which resuscitated 374 of the 375 victims who had flatlined when he went down. On that note, our hearts and prayers go out to Larry McBraskey and his family. You almost made it, big guy. 

Speaking of Starlin he didn't commit any fielding errors today, which means he is now on pace for a measly 71 on the season. STOP HOGGING ALL THE ERRORS, GEOVANY SOTO*.

*Geovany Soto had both of the Cubs' two errors today, and effectively cost us the game. Remember Paul Bako, guys? He was good.

Preview: 4/22 Cubs vs. Reds

It's Randy Wells time bitches!

Look at this fucking guy

While firefighters continue to battle the raging grease fire ravaging the insides of Ryan Dempster's right quadricep, somebody has to pitch for him. Enter Wells; former Chicago Cubs Decent Starting Pitcher, current Iowa Cubs Professional Punching Bag. Hard to believe that just three years ago Wells went 12-10 with a 3.05 ERA in the majors when so far in 2012 he is sporting a robust 9.42 through three AAA starts. With that said it's also hard to believe that he's the one we've decided to call up to take Dempster's spot starts and not, say, your grandfather.

But I don't make the decisions, which means Randy Wells will start tomorrow in game three of the series and you fans are going to fucking like it. He is 4-1 against the Reds in his career, so that's something. But you know what else is something? Genocide. So be careful with that stat.

The Reds will counter with 26 year old Johnny Cueto, who has cool dreadlocks and will almost certainly throw a perfect game.

You heard it here first.

Bye-bye Byrdie

Yeah take your gay little "I-sprint-during-home-runs" act elsewhere, bub

Marlon Byrd is gone folks, and he's taking his .070 average with him. His departure paves the way for the TONY CAMPANA ERA TO BEGIN! FUCK YEAH!

LOOK HOW FUCKING EXCITED EVERYBODY IS! LOOK AT THEM!

Actually, Byrd leaving town doesn't really mean anything other than that things are continuing to go according to Theo's master plan. Out with the old, in with the youngsters. Developmental baseball. It still remains to be seen whether Brett Jackson will see the majors this year, but this move suggests we'll see him sooner rather than later. Or later rather than sooner depending on when you originally expected to see him. Guess that expression is pretty stupid. 

BUT I DIGRESS. While Byrd's on-field performance so far this year suggests the Cubs would land little more than a pre-owned Segway in return for him, we ended up getting Red Sox RHP Michael Bowden. This is cool because when I was in high school he actually pitched against us. This is not cool because he is not particularly good. But he's only 25, throws hard, and has a lot of upside so we'll see. Cool.

This post is starting to get a little too serious, so I'd like to address something real quick. I'm worried that the mole on Sveum's face is going to become a clubhouse distraction. Discuss. 

Cubs Jeopardy! Episode Two

Back by absolutely ZERO demand, it's time for the second installment of Cubs Jeopardy!

Yeah, nobody responded to the first one and yeah, there's not really any reason to respond anyway and yeah, maybe this whole idea is stupid BUTFUCKYOUITHINKITSCOOLSOITSHAPPENING.

Just like last time, there will be one category, 5 clues, and you should answer in the comments unless you're a total ninny. If you are a total ninny I apologize, allow me to redirect you here and apologize for the misunderstanding.

Did you click it??? WHAT A BURN, RIGHT? Anyway here's your category:

Dude, they're about Mark Prior. Try to keep up.

The 200 Fucks Answer is:

For 400 Fucks, the Answer is:

The 600 Fucks Answer is:

800 Fucks. The Answer is:

And for 1000 Fucks, here's your Answer (this might have been my favorite part of Prior's career):

Answers after the jump so you can show your boyfriend how smart you are!

Recap: Cubs vs. Reds 4/21...CUBS WIN!

Well smack my face. Paul Maholm stepped it up. Figures, I waste all this energy putting forth a wave of hate at him in an attempt to establish some kind of an identity for the blog and the bastard goes and puts together a great start. Here's the line:

6.0 IP, 4 H, 1 R, 1 ER, 3 BB, 5 K

Asshole. 

I can't really provide a review today because after Pauly gave up that first run in the opening inning I decided a nap would be a better use of my time. Lesson learned. In the meantime: ma-halo, Maholm. I suggest you keep up the good work because I really enjoy hating you so if this doesn't last all season you can BET your ASS that I will be ALL UP ON YOUR STUFF and junk, and you aren't going to LIKE IT! 

Because nobody likes a cyber bully.

*By the way: I don't want to get anybody too excited this early in the season, but Starlin Castro notched 2 more errors today and is on pace for 76 this year, which hasn't happened since your great-great-grandmother was alive. And probably hot, too. REACH FOR THE STARS KIDDO!

SHIT IS HAPPENING GUYS

TONY CAMPANA IS APPARENTLY A CENTER FIELDER. MARLON BYRD WILL NOT SURVIVE THE DAY. BREAKING NEWS:

"The Boston Globe’s Nick Cafardo is reporting that that the Red Sox, who’ve been in the market for an outfielder after losing Jacoby Ellsbury for a hearty chunk of time (and Carl Crawford has been out as well, though he’s expected back soon), are closing in on a deal for Marlon Byrd..." (Bleacher Nation)

 ...'S HEAD ON A STICK.

IS THAT SHIT REAL?!

For real though, apparently Byrd is going to be gone, probably within the day and Tony Campana will take over center field, platooning with Reed Johnson, Joe Mather, and some guy named Sappelt. Presumably this will go on until Brett Jackson is ready to leave Des Moines and show his franchise-worthy face in the Windy City. (Fun fact, Des Moines' nickname is The "What The Fuck Is That 'S' Doing There" City)

More updates as they come, if I feel like it.

Ryan Dempster officially to the DL

After suffering from chronic leg explosions, Ryan Dempster has been placed on the DL to make room for Cubs person Tony Campana, whom I know nothing about but will totally research in a second because I care about the prestige of this blog. While I'm doing that, take a moment to realize that without Dempster the Cubs' team ERA just went from 5.13 up to almost 6.00 (5.90 to be exact. Because I keep it exact UP IN THIS CUBS BLOG). Did it sink in? Now, I would normally say PANIC BECAUSE OH MY GOD WE'RE DOOMED:

But this year is a wash anyway. Get healthy Dempster, last place will be waiting safely for you when you return. Now to learn about Tony Campana. I guess he looks like this:

Also, his name is Tony if you forgot

That'll have to suffice for now. 

Just saying, there are alternatives

Here's a face that just doesn't give a fuck

Paul Maholm sucks, but we put up with him because as a baby he decided to eat his peas using his left hand. The fact is Sveum could trot just about anybody with a left arm and a rudimentary understanding of organized sports out to the mound every 5th day and get roughly the same outing you're going to get from a Paul Maholm. Sveum chooses to use him because he's cheap, and because he enjoys being employed. But if  ol' Moleface gave as few fucks about managing as Paul Maholm gives about keeping his pitches down, there are any number of alternatives we could see week in and week out. For example...

...Bart Simpson...

Seen here throwing a nasty Christmas palmball

...The late president James A. Garfield...

You just learned something

...Tim fucking Tebow...

With a little "help" of course!

...and this dog.

HE'S A SOUTHPAW! A SOUTHPAW! HA HA!

But seriously, go Cubs. 

Suggested filler topics for Len and Bob

"Sorry, bros." - Theo Epstein

We're in a rebuilding year. That's fine for the players, that's fine for the fans, and that's fine for the organization...but that kind of fucking blows for Len and Bob. There's only so many times they can talk about the future of the club. They can discuss Starlin Castro, Anthony Rizzo, Brett Jackson, Maybe a Good Young Starting Pitcher Someday, and the foreseeable not-this-year-but-totally-soon-you-guys potential of the Chicago Cubs until the cows come home (as if cows ever leave home, that expression sucks), but there's still 150 some odd games to go this year. And no matter how good the two of them are at ad-libbing there's going to be moments where there just isn't anything to talk about. I'd like to try and help. Here are a few things I'd like to see/hear during the seemingly infinite 4th innings to come where we're down five runs: 

• Potential Bob Brenly toupee styles
• Full games broadcasted entirely via bass guitar
• DOW-JONES updates
• Discussions surrounding Len Kasper's sex life
• Spirited rounds of Fuck-Marry-Kill during the WGN Fan Cam segments
• Coke or Pepsi, WHO YA GOT?
• Real-time Bulls check-ins
• Vodka tastings
• Whiskey tastings
• Harry Caray impressions
• High stakes gambling
• On-air salary negotiations with Tom Ricketts 
• Gin tastings
• Bob Brenly shouting suggestions from the booth at Steve Clevenger to improve his ability to catch baseballs
• Arm wrestling
• Leg wrestling
• WWE style wrestling
• and Bill Murray

If we can't have an exciting baseball team in 2012 we might as well have an exciting broadcast team.

BREAKING: Lendy Castillo does not have a default picture on Cubs.com

I suggest we go with this until a suitable replacement is chosen:

He's not very good at baseball

Cubs Jeopardy! Episode One

Since this is a "for-the-sake-of-fuck" blog as it is, I've decided to do whatever I damn well please with it. With that in mind I'd like to introduce Cubs Jeopardy (working title). Here's how it works. Every 'however-the-fuck-many-I-feel-like' days I'm going to introduce a Jeopardy!-style category with 5 accompanying clues. If you feel like answering them (which would of course require you to be reading this, which automatically counts you out) then you can do so in the comments for a chance to win cool Cubs prizes like autographs, jerseys and of course I'M

ABSOLUTELY KIDDING THERE WILL BE NO PRIZES. 

Other than the priceless reward of increased sense of self-worth, of course.

WARNING: YOUR SELF-WORTH WILL NOT INCREASE EITHER

But, if nothing else (AND THERE IS NOTHING ELSE), I'll certainly have a great deal of respect for you. Let's get to it then! Today's category is:

You'll note that the "Fun" is in quotes. As in Fun Facts. You'll also note that I'm noting this in an attempt to capture Alex Trebek's unrelenting smugness. Here are the clues.

For 200 Fucks, the Answer is: 

For 400 Fucks, the Answer is:

For 600 Fucks, the Answer is:

For 800 Fucks, the Answer is:

And for the vaunted 1000 Fucks, the Answer is: 

Careful...

There you have it. Post in the comments now if you're man enough, or follow the jump for the solutions (coward). 

Exclusive Look at Ryan Dempster's MRI

Ryan Dempster had an MRI earlier Friday and the Cubs have officially released this image:

100% Medically Accurate

What you're looking at is what doctors refer to as "A Bunch Of Tiny Explosions In His Knee and Leg." In laymen's terms, this means a number of tiny hydrogen bombs are rapidly detonating in Dempster's knee at a rate of More Explosions Than One Would Prefer Per Hour, or METOWPPH. Cubs trainer Mark O'Neal says that an injury of this magnitude "probably should have killed him, as well as this whole god forsaken season."

Dempster is listed as "probable" for Sunday's start against the Cincinnati Reds.