Autism, Masking, and Romancing the Goblin

Pictured: Autism

If you don't already know, in February of this year I started a new job as a paraeducator at my former high school. I work in the special education department, it's been great. 

Eventually in this post I'd like to share a bit about this one particular student, who I'm pretty sure simultaneously considers me to be 1) his best friend and 2) the most irritating person he's ever met. First, he's autistic. All of my students are. And honestly, from everything I know about autism, I'm pretty sure I am too. So sometimes I use my autistic (or pseudo-autistic if you prefer) self-reflections to help relate to them.

But before I can start telling stories I'd first like to write about autism generally. It's a pretty important subject to me and I think a lot of people don't really understand what it is, including (and sometimes especially) parents with autistic children. So I just want to share a little of my perspective, for whatever it may be worth. 

Something about autistic kids (and adults for that matter) you might not know is that they often endure pretty brutal, deep-set anxiety as they manage the balancing act of attempting to act normal while lacking a firm ability to understand what "normal" is. This can be a difficult concept to grasp, and if you don't get it then hey, congratulations, you probably aren't autistic. If you've never been anything but normal your whole life, at least when it comes to the fundamentals of acting like a human, then the concept of struggling to understand normalcy obviously won't make much sense. It'd like trying to explain the idea of wetness to a fish. If you're one of those fish, here's a metaphor to hopefully shed some light on what I'm trying to say. If you played sports, you already know how much coaches love to preach about the fundamentals. My eighth grade basketball coach used to foam at the mouth over fundamentals, always screaming about how crucial they are. "BOXING OUT IS CRUCIAL," he'd say, before adding "CRUCIAL, CRUCIAL, CRUCIAL!" (he loved that word). But unhinged as Coach Fed may have been, he was right. That's because if you try to play in a live game without first learning the fundamentals you're doomed to resemble an uncoordinated ape in gym shorts. Let's stick with basketball: if, for example, you don't know you're supposed to bend your knees while playing defense then it's only a matter of time before you get crossed over so shamefully your ankles literally explode and your wife has no choice but to divorce you. Now, substitute the bend-your-knees metaphor with something simple like eye-contact-during-communication and you've got a better understanding of autism. 

But I want to be even more clear than that because I'm also conscious of the fact that here in 2024 the concept of normal can be pretty hard to pin down. We live in a weird, internet-driven, postmodern version of society where everything is hyperreal and normality has all but ceased to exist outside of the subjective mind (check out Jean Baudrillard if this concept interests you). It doesn't matter whether we're talking about who you should vote for, why the weather is acting strange, the proposed existence of aliens, or presumably any other newsworthy topic you can think of; there's a billion different worldviews which can be arrived at via a billion different information sources, each of which purport to offer some version of "The Truth." Think about it like this- have you ever felt pity for people that "fall for" misinformation? It might surprise you they may feel precisely the same about you, with precisely the same justification. So who's the pitiful one then? Neither of you, it turns out- you're both just doing your best with the information you have. To me, this suggests the best way to determine the truth is probably to examine and "try on" multiple perspectives, compare and contrast them with one another, and see which purported facts rise to the surface across multiple sources. Ironically, this sort of willingness to abandon the rigid sense of individuality inherent in one's worldview is exactly the sort of thing neurodivergent/autistic brains have a significantly easier time accomplishing- but as it stands such an approach is not the preferred (read: "normal") method of doing things in society. Oh well.

At any rate, these are obviously bizarre circumstances posing difficulty for anyone to navigate- and especially difficult for kids. And because the feeling that this isn't normal is a pretty universal one these days, I feel like I need to be extra specific about what I mean when I talk about normality. So here's the distinction as I see it: if you're non-autistic you may not always feel like you fit in socially, but generally speaking you probably still maintain a basic understanding of the rules of participation in human society. For example, perhaps you no longer feel particularly comfortable at the dinner table on Thanksgiving, but chances are you don't have to work terribly hard to figure out when it's your turn to talk in that conversation with your paranoid, CIA-obsessed uncle (and hey, his perspective is worth exploring anyway). That's the sort of thing that separates a neurotypical brain from an autistic brain in social situations- the ability to grasp and follow the basic rules of engagement without having to think about them. So having that ability is my chosen definition of "normal," at least in this context. 

(Btw if you're into all these autism metaphors there's another I particularly like. It's about left-handedness, and this guy explains it much better than I ever could. And I know it says it's about Aspergers, but Aspergers is just a particular subset of autism. I love this dude's YouTube channel and relate with him in so many ways- you should subscribe to it if you're into that sort of thing.) 

So that's what I mean when I say autistic people are often trying to act normal despite not grasping the fundamental concept of normal. Thus, social situations can be especially taxing for them as they grapple with that paradox in real time. This 'fly-the-plane-while-you-build-it' type of thing is called "masking." It's the process of attempting to: 

1) guess the expectations of those around you*  

2) self-consciously micro-manage your behavior to meet those expectations (for example, policing your face to make sure it's reacting appropriately while listening to a story)*   

3) consistently present this behavior in a way which appears, to the outside observer, to be authentic* 

*bear in mind these are all happening simultaneously. Not to mention that on top of all of this you're likely to be dealing with increased sensitivity to light, sound, and smell, which only makes the juggling act even more difficult.  

Sounds exhausting, right? It's like this: have you ever told a lie and then every time the subject you lied about came up you'd have to pay all this extra attention to yourself to make sure you didn't give yourself away? Imagine doing that ALL OF THE TIME, except the "lie" isn't anything sinister, it's simply a desperate attempt to fit in. And that's why autism and depression are so tightly linked (autistics are roughly 4x more likely to suffer from depression than typically developing individuals, according to a 2019 meta-analysis), because living like that is fucking difficult. 

Well okay, great! Now that the mood is so warm and cheerful in here, let me tell you about this student of mine. I love this dude, and I'm pretty sure he loves me too even though if you asked him he'd probably say he can't fucking stand me. Actually, to be honest, he'd probably just stare at you until you slowly backed away, but that's what his eyes would be saying.

Here's the thing about this kid- I feel like he's caught in a pretty vicious negative feedback loop, which I believe is a relatively common occurrence for autistics who mask. The loop looks something like this: you get the sense that certain people don't like you, which prompts your mask to begin reflecting that perceived expectation with unlikeable behavior. "That's ridiculous, John," you might be saying. "If the kid is the one controlling the mask, why wouldn't they adjust the mask to subvert the perceived expectation?" It can definitely be hard to believe that a person would act unlikeable on purpose just because they think others expect it. If you control the mask, why would you allow it to act against your own best interest? And should we be excusing bad behavior like this? What if someone anticipates that others expect them to be a murderer? These are good questions, and I won't pretend I have any objective answer to them. This is all just my personal perspective after all.  

What I can provide, however, is an example where my own mask did this exact thing (i.e., acting against my best interest in a way I couldn't control). Something like 4 years ago I was working at this restaurant, and the GM came up to me to tell me some money had gone missing from the drawer. I was a bartender and manager at this place, which means I had access to the drawer in question. Because of this, two things happened immediately when she told me about the missing money. 1) I immediately became conscious of the possibility that she may consider me a "suspect" in this great drawer heist (which I'm pretty sure was like $20, by the way), leading to 2) me becoming HYPER conscious of what my face looked like, because if she suspected me then I figured she'd likely be looking closely at my face for hints. Now, I had nothing to do with this missing money, and therefore had nothing to hide. This should have been an easy situation. And yet I could feel my face flush red and my eyes darting around the room, avoiding her gaze. Why the hell would my face react this way if I was innocent? Well, my theory is that it was subconscious masking. I anticipated her expectation of suspicion, and reacted immediately and involuntarily to "act out" the role I perceived her to be expecting. I remember it incredibly clearly because at that point I knew myself well enough to be able to physically feel all of this happening in real time, and yet still be unable to control it. It's a pretty crazy feeling to realize that when push comes to shove you don't have as much control over yourself as you'd like to think. That instance had me questioning the concept of free will for months. I was getting super into the philosophy of Sam Harris, romanticizing the idea of hedonism, embracing absurdism...idk, honestly it was fun but I wouldn't necessarily recommend it. 

Alright, back to the kid. My operating theory is that at some point in his past he attempted to mask in the "functional" sense (functional is in quotes here because I don't think any form of masking is functional/healthy, but it would be naive to ignore that some forms of masking yield more positive results than others)- that is, he tried to reflect the expectations of others in a way that would lead to connections and relationships. For any number of potential but as-of-yet unknown reasons, he was unable to achieve these connections to his desired degree. After enough of those attempts failed and enough trauma was collected, the mask could no longer perceive any feasibility of human connection. With that, his mask abandoned its attempts to scrape and claw and reflect "normality," instead electing to resign itself to the negative and isolated reality in which it currently perceives itself to reside. Presumably now his operating expectation is that the world has little to no interest in connecting with him, and thus his mask displays little to no interest in connecting with it. Alas, whether neurodivergent or neurotypical, the fact is that all human beings desire connection once you get beneath the surface.      

I guess what I'm saying is that his mask may not like me, but I don't care. I think I know what's beneath the thing and so I'm determined to keep drilling. Besides, it's fun. I'm romancing the goblin. Kissing the proverbial frog, right on the lips, warts and all.  

hubba hubba

One of my jobs is to get this guy to his classes on time and in one piece because he does this charming thing where he'll get lost in the hallways if his routine gets messed up. One time he was running like ten minutes late getting back to his homeroom (the room I work in) and I decided to go look for him. I found him standing in front of an elevator on the opposite side of the school looking deeply confused. In fact, when I walked up to him he asked me why he was there, which of course made me laugh because I was about to ask him the same question. Turns out he had somehow ended up in the wrong room the previous period and nobody knew he was in there. After voluntarily sitting alone for an hour in this presumably dark room, the bell rang. He knew this meant he was supposed to go back to homeroom, but with his routine having been disrupted he no longer remembered where it was. From there, he apparently wandered aimlessly around the hallways until eventually being discovered by me at the elevator. From that day on I started accompanying him to and from his classes. 

I love that I get to do this. He does not. Here's this intense, angsty, autistic teenager doing his best to get through the day, and then me cheerfully chasing him around, peppering him with questions, telling stories, and incessantly offering optimistic little nuggets of advice. It's especially funny because he's a pretty big dude, I bet he's got 40 or 50 pounds on me, yet I'll be struggling to keep up with him in the hallways while he casually sets Olympic speed walking records in an effort to get away from me. You know that scene in Space Jam where Tweety Bird is trying to get in the face of one of the Monstars and he just like flicks his finger and sends Tweety careening into the bleachers? That's basically our relationship. I chase after him in the halls and talk to the back of his head while he does his best to pretend I don't exist. I deeply enjoy picturing what we must look like to the students we pass in the hall. 

Pictured: me (left) and my friend who really likes me.

Of course he does respond to me sometimes. Usually it's when I ask him some kind of personal question he doesn't feel like answering. "I DON'T TELL," he'll hiss, with the same type of energy you'd hope your child would have if a creep in a minivan pulled up offering a bag of Skittles. The other day I asked him if he had an email address, and he hits me with one of those "I DON'T TELL"s. It's like, alright, fine, I suppose contact info is kind of an intrusive topic but it's not like I'm asking for his social security number for God's sake. Nor, for that matter, did I even ask for his email address! I just asked if he had one. But nah Mr. John, you can kick rocks. I know my rights and I don't have to tell you a damn thing. Call the cops. 

Honestly though, as much as he pretends to loathe me on the surface I live for the little moments where he drops his guard and lets his true self shine through, even if it's just for a second. Like the time he built a little machine gun out of toy pipe fittings and silently pointed it at my chest. Ha ha! Kids, right? 

But seriously there really are some profound moments. One time, in a split second of weakness, he told me a bit about how hard it is being isolated, and feeling like nobody ever pays attention to him. That was a beautiful and heartbreaking moment that I'll cherish for a long time. Obviously I don't want him to feel that way, but the fact that he was able/willing to "break character" by identifying that feeling and sharing it was absolutely huge. After all, recognizing you feel sad is the first step toward overcoming that sadness (a concept known colloquially as name it and tame it**).

I've also had a few wonderful conversations with him sprinkled amidst the longer, more stoic stretches. We've talked about astronomy (he's super interested in the possibility of life on the Jovian moons), the animal kingdom (especially ant societies), and his dreams of becoming a world-class bodybuilder (which prompted us to start lifting weights together in gym class). We like to pop quiz each other on our arithmetic, and one time we fished a broken laptop out of the middle of a creek together using a big stick we found in the woods. 

We're buds, he just may not realize it yet.

So yeah, I don't know if special education is ultimately going to be in my long-term future, but I'm incredibly grateful for this job. Hanging with these kids, learning from the other faculty (who are amazing and I could easily write another 3,000 words about), and getting the hands-on opportunity to broaden my personal perspective on autism (and, in the process, myself) has been unbelievably rewarding.

**I learned that (and a good deal of what I know about autism in general) from the incredible people I worked with at Camp Neeka. If you live in the suburbs of Chicago and have kids struggling with their mental health, send them there. I'm serious, sign them up right now. You won't regret it. They're flexible with payment too if that matters.           

Obligatory Cubs Post - 5/9/24, Cubs 8 - Padres 9

 

Fat Kris Bryant does NOT look happy

I know I said before that I don't care about the Cubs anymore, and I don't, but something about blowing the dust off this blog made me want to check in on them. Besides, who doesn't creep on their ex every so often, you know? I'd say "don't judge" but considering how I captioned the above photo (his real name is Luke Little, I think) I can't exactly claim the moral high ground. 

Anyway, I was delighted to learn the Cubs just finished blowing an 8-0 lead last night, ultimately losing 8-9 in what would end up being the biggest comeback in the San Diego Padres' 56 year history. I mean, look, I'm not happy they lost but there's no denying this is the sort of game I would've had an absolute field day with back when I first started this thing. So let's talk about it. 

Cubs starter Javier Assad went five scoreless innings and apparently looked great. I say "apparently" because I didn't watch a single pitch of this game. Also, let's be clear, even when I was watching the Cubs every day I never really had any idea what I was talking about, so I certainly have little to offer now. But yeah, sure, he looked great! Incredible, even. Superhuman. 

But then the sixth inning came and, because Assad was flirting with the 100-pitch mark, there's an argument to be made that he shouldn't have been sent back out. Not MY argument, of course, because as I've already established I am a moron. But AN argument, certainly. An argument could also be made that all dogs are, in fact, figments of our collective imagination. The point is, arguments about things you don't understand are fun but ultimately dumb. At least I think that's my point. 

The Cubs would go on to give up 7 runs in their fever dream of a sixth inning, which included a brutal error by the normally surehanded shortstop Dansby Swanson (another delightful detail considering how much I used to love writing about Starlin Castro's schizophrenic fielding woes at short). An eighth inning Fernando Tatis 2-run homer and a meek, three-up three-down ninth for the Cubs sealed the embarrassing loss. 

Now for a new section of the blog called Postgame Quotes I Enjoyed.

Postgame Quotes I Enjoyed

Thanks for joining me for in this new section, which is called Postgame Quotes I Enjoyed. 

My favorite post-game quote comes from Swanson, who noted that "momentum is a real thing." This is either a deeply profound observation predicated on an intimate understanding of the innate dynamism that is the web of energies exchanged by professional athletes locked in competition, OR it is a shallow reminder that words are, indeed, words. I'm hoping it's the latter. Hope, after all, is also a real thing. 

My second favorite quote is from manager Craig Counsell, known primarily for the almost unbelievably stupid-looking batting stance he utilized in his playing days. At least that's what I know him for.

   I mean, come on

 

Counsell said, of the loss, "it was just one of those nights where they had some good at-bats and we couldn't make the next pitch and get the next out. And they made us pay for it.” Now there's nothing inherently wrong with this quote, I just like the idea of saying "it was just one of those nights where..." and then proceeding to describe in exact detail what the night was like. I'm going to start doing it too. Next time somebody asks how my day was I'll respond "well, it was just one of those days where I woke up at 5:00 am, sat on my naked ass in the shower for 45 minutes, went to work and said a variety of words and sentences and then finally came home and ate sweet corn directly out of a can for dinner."

Hey, go Cubs I guess. 

ITS JUST ONE OF THOSE DAYS

 

  

HELLO, BOYS

Big Quaid Energy

*cracks knuckles*

Alright. It's been 11 years since my last post, so obviously we have some catching up to do. First of all, let's just rip this band-aid right off: I no longer particularly care about the Cubs. Or baseball. Or sports. Or essentially anything else that I cared about back in 2013, save for maybe Jeopardy. 

Now that's not to say I actively dislike the Cubs or baseball or sports (though I admit I do still carry an irrational, seething hatred towards Carlos Marmol). I still like all of those things, I just don't care about them the way I used to. My emotional state no longer hinges on the Cubs' win-loss record, players' names and stats are relegated to the deeper recesses of my brain, and the little money I'm able to make is generally put to better use than getting dumped into a bottomless pit of Cubs memorabilia, tickets, and Old Style. Of course, I still spend my money in seemingly bizarre ways- just not on the Cubs. For instance, I recently spent $200 to enroll in a master's certification course titled "History, Law, and Politics of UFO/UAP." More on that some other time, probably.

In other words, I'm weird now. At least my 2013 self would probably say so but let's be honest, that guy was a disaster. He smoked cigarettes in the house, routinely slept until 2:00 in the afternoon, and considered a nice haircut to be the single biggest indicator of success imaginable. Not exactly a role model. 

And so here I am, a completely new person both figuratively and literally (at least in the sense that the cellular structure of the human body completely replaces itself every 7-10 years, according to an AI I just talked to named "Claude"). But despite all this "new-ness" I've chosen, inexplicably, to reach into my past and revive a goofy Cubs blog devoted to the worship of a stranger's calf muscles. Why am I doing this? And more importantly, who gives a shit? 

The answer to both questions is: I have no idea, and frankly it doesn't really matter. But 11 years ago, when I last posted on this blog, I was (unbeknownst to myself) standing on the precipice of what would evolve into a serious bout of long-term depression; one that I'm still grappling with today. At the time I had just finished dropping out of college and had embarked on a slow, insidious spiral into both alcoholism and social isolation. Then, 1 year and 3 weeks after my last Mark Prior's Calves post in April 2013, my dad died suddenly AND my house set on fire. When it rains, it pours. And hey, if that was too heavy don't worry, this is still a comedy blog. But after all, comedy = tragedy + time, so unfortunately you're going to have to deal with bombshells like that every so often. Besides, it's good to feel stuff. That's a lesson I'm still trying to learn. 

My photo editing has improved exactly zero percent

So here I am now, in 2024, and my descending spiral down the toilet bowl of depression and social anxiety continues in earnest. I neither need nor want sympathy, I have plenty of wonderful things happening in my life. I have a girlfriend who does her best to manage my insanity, a loving and forgiving family, infuriatingly cute dogs, I went back to school and finished my degree, and I even believe in [my own version of] God now. So on paper, things have improved considerably. So wtf is my brain's problem? 

Well, that's another question I don't have the answer to. But one thing I do know is that writing is one of the most powerful ways to combat depression, and from what I remember this blog made me genuinely happy so I've decided to fire it back up again. And with that, I may as well recalibrate your expectations as a reader, SO...

THINGS TO EXPECT FROM THIS BLOG

Henceforth, this place is going to be one of general creative expression. Since breaking up with the Cubs my perspective has expanded to include a wide array of different interests. Here's a short list of some of those interests, and a general snapshot of what you might expect to find on this blog moving forward: 

• Philosophy
• Psychology
• Weird recipes
• Crude photoshops
• History
• UFOs and the implications of their existence on society, especially via a psychological lens (and if you aren't onboard with this topic yet I think you'll still appreciate my thoughts on it. By that I mean I'm a pragmatist, not a fanatic. Plus, they're fun!)
• Book reports 
• Nudes

Hell, I might even post about the Cubs from time to time. Fun fact, during the year or so that I ran this blog their win percentage was around .375, but since my last post on this blog they've gone 878-812 (.520). So, was my writing the catalyst for over a decade's worth of success, including their first World Series win in over 100 years? Yes. Yes it was.

Glad to be back. 

    

A Carlos Marmol brainstorm session

Soo, should I call a doctor or are those just your mechanics?

Carlos Marmol is the worst. The Cubs just won their first game of the season, Samarmammoth looked great, Rizzo hit a homer (his first of the 200 that he will certainly hit this year), and the defense looked sharp despite Brent Lillibridge's presence. And yet, all anybody is talking about is that asshole up there in the picture.

He was given the ball in a 9th inning save situation, which yes, we're still apparently doing. He lasted a third of an inning with a walk, a hit batter, and a run given up. Thankfully at this point he was taken out to make way for 2 men in James Russell and Kyuji Fujikawa who know what they're doing, but the damage was done. Carlos Marmol, with his epileptic delivery, infantile pitch location, shaky confidence, and 9.8 million dollar contract, has solidified himself as untradeable. Who would want him? Maybe if we offer to pay $9.7 million of his salary we could convince the Astros to take him in exchange for one of our wins. Unfortunately that won't happen, because a) you can't trade wins you dummy, and b) no amount of free wins would make up for having a human blown save on your roster.

So that raises the question: what do we do with him? I had about 10 minutes before I had to go to work today but in that short amount of time I came up with a handful of ideas:

1) Dress him in a Cardinals uniform and leave without him after our first series in St. Louis.

2) Set him on fire.

This is the end of the post.

Yawn, wait what? It's next year?

And Marmol is still fucking here?

Crap, my bad. I guess I slept through the better part of last season. Here's hoping I do better this year! 70 wins or bust! Rizzo for MVP! Brent Lillibridge for execution! Bring on 2013!

The Cubs are 8-6 Since I Started This Blog

I'm just saying, if we make the playoffs this year I better get my own 30-for-30.

Paul Maholm is Fucking With Me (Recap 5/9)

What the actual fuck is up with this guy?

Another day, another impeccable photoshop.

A few weeks ago I created a post suggesting that a left-pawed dog would be a better option for the Cubs as a fifth starter than Paul Maholm. Yeah I know, that's pretty funny, thank you. As of April 20th (when I wrote the post), Maholm was sitting at 0-2 after putting up a nearly identical line in two straight games en route to an ERA of 13.50. At the time I figured Maholm had some serious potential to be the figurehead/lightning rod/dude who shat himself in the public square/laughing stock of my new blog. Smash cut to:

20 days later, the fucking guy has gone 4-0 with a 1.06 ERA in his last four starts! Am I the one who caused this? Yes. Yes, I am. 

Anyway, Maholm pitched another gem today and between him, Dempster, Samaradkhjxaifdnak, and Garza, our rotation kinda resembles one of those nerdy girls who you wouldn't expect to be hot, and isn't, but probably would be if it weren't for that one grossly over-sized toe (Chris Volstad is the toe). 

TheHair had two more hits today and what ended up being the game-winning RBI, so he's probably on track to win an award, like "Chicago Cubs Silver Slugger MVP" or "NL Central Guy of 1st Base" or "Best Smile." Or something else. He's now hitting .384 with 8 homers in 28 games. Meanwhile Anthony Rizzo recently hit his 250th home run of the season in Iowa, so whenever his arbitration situation finally allows us to call him up it's going to be good times left and right watching these two hit in the same lineup. 

But until then let's just kick back and watch the NL Central eat itself alive. Seriously, everybody but the Cardinals in this division is just god-awful. Bud Selig should require whichever team loses the NL Central to take a five year (minimum) organization-wide sabbatical to seriously reconsider their collective career choices. 

Ryan Dempster is Probably Pretty Grumpy

Goooooooooooooooooodddddddd damn it.

I haven't really had a ton to write about lately because the Cubs had been playing pretty decent baseball* and because I've been pretty lazy**. But after the Cubs decided to shit on yet another fabulous start by Ryan Dempster I figured this was as good a time as any to start writing again. Let's get to it then.

Technically you can't fully blame the Cubs offense for messing this one up because they did manage to put a run across tonight. In fact you could go ahead and blame Dempster entirely because it was pretty stupid of him to give up the one earned run that he did (which ballooned his ERA all the way to 1.02) considering by this point he should be well aware that if he does anything less than throw a perfect game and hit a home run he's guaranteed a no-decision. Come on, learn from the past dude.

Red has now started five games this year and in them he has received all of eight runs from his offense en route to an 0-1 record. He's striking out a batter per inning, his WHIP is stupid low (0.85), and hitters are batting .164 against him. I just...these are top tier numbers. Meanwhile in starts that Ryan Dempster has not been involved in the Cubs are averaging nearly 4 runs a game. What's going on?

I know, it's bad luck and that's it. It's early in the season, the sample size isn't big enough, yada yada yada. Still, if I'm Dempster I'm shaking my head. Especially when in the eighth inning Kerry Wood gives up two runs to break a 1-1 tie (a borderline insurmountable deficit for this team), and then throws his glove into the stands as if he's the one that's frustrated. In an ideal world a cameraman would cut to Dempster right at that moment to reveal him giving Wood a couple of these:

Cool inning bro!

Anyway, Cubs lose, which means I'm back for a while.

*With great respect to Carlos Marmol's pitching, Tony Campana's bunting, Kerry Wood's shoulder or whatever, and Chris Volstad's general face.

**This is the actual reason.

Recap: Cubs vs Cardinals 4/25

Well, we lost. Chris Volstad still sucks, TheHair is still good, and the world is still spinning (Campanarama went 0-4 but that's okay, even Superman has off-days). But we still won the series and we don't play St. Louis again until May 14th, giving us 19 full days to make fun of our dumb, jerkfaced Cardinal fan friends. And that makes us all winners.

Sorry for the short recap, but something about watching Chris Volstad pitch gives me writer's block and severe diarrhea.

Lance Lynn is a big old hairy penis

So he's got a 1.42 ERA, big whoop. Wainwright had a 9.88 before yesterday's game and he only gave up one run through six. By that logic, The Cubs should win 9.88 to zero today.

Lance Lynn yawning at my logic

Anyway, the headline of the post says it all, I just wanted to show you a picture of this fucker. Look at him, you just know he's into his sister. 

Preview: Cubs vs CardinLOLs 4/25

Chris Volstad is pitching so that sucks, but we already won the series! So...

WHO

GIVES

A

FUCK.

Plus, whoever is pitching for the Cardinals today sucks too. Or at least I assume he does because his name is Lynn. 

WALK OFF 2: CAMPANA RETURNS (Recap 4/24 Cubs vs Cards)

LOL WTF

I'm having a lot of trouble deciding where to start with this, so allow me to just get something out of my system real quick.

(*deep breath*)

HOLYSHITCAMPANAISGOODANDSHARKTHREWSTRIKESANDTHEUMPIRESSUCKBUTINAGOODWAYANDMIKEMATHENYGOTTHROWNOUTANDITWASAWESOMEDIDIMENTIONCAMPANAHESSOGOODANDTHEHAIRANDRAFAELFURCALSUCKSTOOANDIACTUALLYFORGOTHOWMUCHIHATECARLOSMARMOLBECAUSE
THATSHOWGREATTHISGAMEWAS.

(*rips hit of inhaler*)

Okay. That's better. Let's start with Shark. He pitched a fantastic game. He took a 1-0 lead through 7.2 in under 100 pitches, had 9 Ks, and was throwing strikes at a ridiculous rate. Then Sveum inexplicably took him out, perhaps because he was worried if he kept pitching like that he'd end up injuring himself after the game while having sex with every girl in the stadium. That move paved the way for our bullpen to do what it does best, which is to take out a gun and shoot every good outing from starting pitchers right in its face.

Sveum (again, inexplicably) put in Marmol with two outs in the 8th and a one-run lead to try and lo-haha...sorry, to try and lock u-haha!!...sorry, it's just hard to say. Here goes: to try and lockupatwoinningsaveBAHAHAHAHA!!! I mean even getting a one-inning save is an adventure for Carlos, so why Sveum continues to think he can pull off a twofer is beyond me. Marmol, eager to show his manager some appreciation for sticking with him, managed to throw four whole pitches before serving up a hanging slider to Matt Holliday, who politely removed it from the stadium in the form of a two-run homer.

Game over, right? WRONG, IDIOT.

Stop assuming stuff, you ass!

You know why? Because Bryan TheHair, that's why. He led off with a solo shot in the ninth to tie the game up at 2 and send it to extras. Then in the 10th, Tony fucking Campana came up.

Not even a little ashamed of this picture

Campana managed to get on base, which means he's obviously going to steal because he doesn't give a shit. I like to think that he knows he's only going to be in Chicago until Brett Jackson is deemed ready, so he's just decided to fuck bitches while he's here. Campana stole second even though he didn't (he was absolutely out but the umpire blew the call), and then scored easily on an Alfonso Soriano single. Soriano got the Gatorade bath tonight, but if anybody deserved it (besides TheHair, Shark, or that umpire) it's Campanarama. 

After all that, the Cubs are now up to a win percentage of .333 and have officially won their first series of the year. Needless to be said, playoff tickets are flying off the shelves. 

*Side note: Just for fun, I kept a running tally of Tony Campana's impact on the game. Here was the result:

Tony Campana is bad: 2

Tony Campana is good: 8

I didn't keep track of the context of my tallies, so I can't really explain the results. However, with an .800 "good" percentage I'm pretty sure he's in the running for MVP. 

**Second side note: I'd just like to point out that in my preview post I suggested a lineup for tonight consisting entirely of Tony Campana, TheHair, and Shark...all three heroes of the night. Does that make me a psychic baseball genius magician? Yes, yes it doe—wait, what? I put Joe Mather on there too? Oh for fucks sake, fine, never mind. 

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?

WHO ARE THESE CUBS? ANOTHER WALK OFF? GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND TO BREATHE BEFORE I WRITE THIS RECAP. CAN YOU GIVE ME A FUCKING SECOND TO BREATHE?

Preview: Cubs vs Cardinals 4/24

Mmm yeah girl, I call it a four-scream fastball

After last night's electrifying walk-off win, general logic would suggest that the Cubs are about to rip off 30 or 35 wins in a row. Ricketts has already started selling playoff tickets and as of late yesterday every single Blackhawks fan in Chicago simultaneously shifted their focus to the SURGING Cubs and their one-game winning streak. The pressure is officially on. 

But if anybody can handle pressure it's Shark Samardzija, who needs only to look pressure in the eye while giving his mustache a slow lick for any source of buildup to, *ahem*, release. Meanwhile there's Adam Wainwright who has responded to the pressure of coming off Tommy John surgery this year by premiering with a sunny ERA of 9.88, including a three-inning, eight-run outing against the Cubs earlier this April. A number of his teammates think he may not even show up to Wrigley today, instead choosing to cower in his mother's arms like a dweeb while Shark steals his girlfriend and peels out on his front lawn with a motorcycle. 

I guess what I'm saying is the Cubs have a good chance to really whip out their big, throbbing offense today. Sveum hasn't released his lineup yet, but if he's smart it will look something like this:

1. Tony Campana

2. Tony Campana

3. Tony Campana

4. Bryan LaHair

5. Tony Campana

6. Tony Campana

7. Tony Campana

8. Joe Mather

9. Shark

Recap: WALK OFF (Cubs vs. Cardinals 4/23)

WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. CUBS WIN, CUBS WIN, WE'RE GOIN' TO THE 'SHIP. 

Future Hall-of-Famer Tony Campana celebrates with whoever that guy is who won the game

What a game. Matt Garza had possibly the most surprisingly above-average outing of his career, Tony Campana is the fastest man alive, and Joe Mather lived out every boy's favorite baseball fantasy; being down to your last strike in the bottom of the ninth and getting the game winning hit, dramatically thrusting your team into within six games of first place. 

There were a lot of things to love about this game. Mather's ninth inning hit was awesome, not to mention the hilariously over-the-top celebratory display the Cubs put on after the winning run crossed the plate. They were acting like they had just won the Little League World Series, and I was loving every second of it. For God's sake, Joe Mather got a Gatorade cooler dumped on him for getting a hit that almost got our win percentage over 30%. This team may lose 90 games, but they're going to have fun doing it, damnit. 

Then there's my GUY Tony Campana-The-Mana, who put on a one man base-stealing show in the eighth inning. He drew SEVEN pick-off attempts at first base and still had the cojones to try and steal second, which he did easily. Then on the very next pitch he stole third without a throw. I wish you could pinch-run somebody for every single player, because holy shit Campana is fun to watch when he's doing his thing. 

But my favorite part of this game was my favorite part of any game he's involved in; Matt Garza. He had a nice line (7.0 IP, 2 ER, 5 Ks), but who gives a shit about his pitching. It's everything else  he does that makes me love him. A few highlights:

• In the top of the third inning Garza successfully fielded AND threw a ball to first. THEN went on to lay down a perfect sacrifice bunt in the bottom half. I nearly shat myself where I stood.
• HE GOT A HIT. He singled past Matt Carpenter in the fifth, giving him his SEVENTH CAREER HIT. If I were at the game I would have promptly attempted to start an MVP chant.
• Finally, it wouldn't be a Matt Garza game if he didn't do something hilarious. So I submit this:

A wild Matt Garza, seen here in its natural habitat

A grounder came back up the middle and he did this ridiculous backwards lay-out where he tried to grab the ball with his non-glove hand while falling away from it. It was magnificent, and I apologize to those of you who didn't see it because neither that description, nor the photograph I giddily took of my TV screen right after it happened do it justice. 

One more time: what a game.

Preview: 4/23 Cubs vs. Cardinals

Matt Garza is pitching!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love Matt Garza

Tonight we kick off our second series of the season against the division leading St. Louis Cardinals and Jaime Garcia (2-0, 3.06). So far this year the Cardinals have won every series they've been a part of, while the Cubs have, well, not. However, we are leading the entire league in Runs-Scored-In-Game-One-Of-A-Series-Against-The-Cardinals. Advantage: Cubs. 

We've got Garza on the mound, who is as good at pitching as he is fun to watch while doing anything but pitching. And let me tell you, he is pretty damn fun to watch when he isn't pitching. Jaime Garcia's stats look good on paper but he attributes his success entirely to luck.

"I'm not very good at this," he said after his last start, in which he managed to induce four double plays. Good luck doing that again, Jaime. 

All in all I like our chances of winning this game, and I love my chances of giggling a lot during it. 

TONY CAMPANA ERA UPDATE

HELL

FUCKING

FUCK

YES.

He went 1 for 2 with a walk. 

Recap: 4/22 Cubs vs. Reds

Don't worry, Starlin is fine. 

Starlin Castro, seen here committing a batting error

Randy Wells actually pitched pretty sorta alright. He gave up two runs in five innings of work, though he did also walk five so it's not like he didn't at least put forth a solid effort to suck. Commendable, Randy.

The real story here is Starlin Castro. He was hit by a pitch in the 7th and went to the ground, causing 375 massive coronaries in the greater Chicago region in a matter of seconds. It's cool though, he was able to take his base unassisted and even hit a triple in the 9th, an act which resuscitated 374 of the 375 victims who had flatlined when he went down. On that note, our hearts and prayers go out to Larry McBraskey and his family. You almost made it, big guy. 

Speaking of Starlin he didn't commit any fielding errors today, which means he is now on pace for a measly 71 on the season. STOP HOGGING ALL THE ERRORS, GEOVANY SOTO*.

*Geovany Soto had both of the Cubs' two errors today, and effectively cost us the game. Remember Paul Bako, guys? He was good.

Preview: 4/22 Cubs vs. Reds

It's Randy Wells time bitches!

Look at this fucking guy

While firefighters continue to battle the raging grease fire ravaging the insides of Ryan Dempster's right quadricep, somebody has to pitch for him. Enter Wells; former Chicago Cubs Decent Starting Pitcher, current Iowa Cubs Professional Punching Bag. Hard to believe that just three years ago Wells went 12-10 with a 3.05 ERA in the majors when so far in 2012 he is sporting a robust 9.42 through three AAA starts. With that said it's also hard to believe that he's the one we've decided to call up to take Dempster's spot starts and not, say, your grandfather.

But I don't make the decisions, which means Randy Wells will start tomorrow in game three of the series and you fans are going to fucking like it. He is 4-1 against the Reds in his career, so that's something. But you know what else is something? Genocide. So be careful with that stat.

The Reds will counter with 26 year old Johnny Cueto, who has cool dreadlocks and will almost certainly throw a perfect game.

You heard it here first.

Bye-bye Byrdie

Yeah take your gay little "I-sprint-during-home-runs" act elsewhere, bub

Marlon Byrd is gone folks, and he's taking his .070 average with him. His departure paves the way for the TONY CAMPANA ERA TO BEGIN! FUCK YEAH!

LOOK HOW FUCKING EXCITED EVERYBODY IS! LOOK AT THEM!

Actually, Byrd leaving town doesn't really mean anything other than that things are continuing to go according to Theo's master plan. Out with the old, in with the youngsters. Developmental baseball. It still remains to be seen whether Brett Jackson will see the majors this year, but this move suggests we'll see him sooner rather than later. Or later rather than sooner depending on when you originally expected to see him. Guess that expression is pretty stupid. 

BUT I DIGRESS. While Byrd's on-field performance so far this year suggests the Cubs would land little more than a pre-owned Segway in return for him, we ended up getting Red Sox RHP Michael Bowden. This is cool because when I was in high school he actually pitched against us. This is not cool because he is not particularly good. But he's only 25, throws hard, and has a lot of upside so we'll see. Cool.

This post is starting to get a little too serious, so I'd like to address something real quick. I'm worried that the mole on Sveum's face is going to become a clubhouse distraction. Discuss.